-
I'm sitting in my kitchen, listening to the rain, drinking a cup of coffee and thinking about your last letter. And about anger.

I have so many conflicting feelings about your letter.

1 am heartbroken for you - I remember what it was to be that angry all the time and it was horrible, heart wrenching. I don't want that for you.

I am proud of you -  I want you to always fight the good fight. Be angry. Be outraged. The world deserves our outrage right now.

I'm sad for you - I know that this must bring up feelings of self-doubt, especially around your wedding and your husband's family (as far as I am concerned, they can bite me; but you know I'm always on Team Claire). I know that these judgments are sometimes personal and bitter, making you doubt the very core of yourself and the things that make you happy. Screw them. You guys had your wedding on your terms. Couples spend their whole lives wishing they got to have that.

I'm over-protective on your behalf. If I were there and could kick everyone who's mean to you in the shins, I totally would. If I could be in a room with every boy who's hurt you...

I'm also a little jealous - I can't remember when I had the energy to be that mad. I believe it take a kind of fire, a kind of belief in the possibility of change, to get that angry. Honestly, I'm too exhausted all the time...

I'm exhausted physically. I'm exhausted mentally. I'm exhausted spiritually. I'm not sure i have the emotional capacity for the kind of anger my friends seem to feel.

I have a good friend who rages every day... about #metoo and Trump and the state of politics. Every time a new story of a man assaulting a woman come out, she's livid. I want to be livid. I want to be outraged. I know that that's what I'm supposed to feel.

Instead, I'm just horribly, deep in my bones, heart-breakingly sad.

Can you tell me how to be angry again?

with love and tears from Durham,

Malachi


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Do you think we should explain?

-
It's strange to be writing this knowing that other people are going to be reading what we write. I'm torn between writing what I would normally write to you, a letter just like any other, and writing a letter explaining to other people what we are doing and why? I guess I'll start writing and see where I end up... What are we doing any why? I guess the simple answer is we're writing each other letters because it feels like the thing to do, and we're doing it here because I kept mailing you things that got lost in the mail. The more complicated answer, for me at least, is about silence, and how silence can be a disease that kills. We've seen it this year as with #metoo, with the Kavanaugh hearings, with the countless women coming out of their safe spaces to speak up about what happen to them. I saw it when I quit my job in the service industry and, even after several months recovering off recovering, when I got in the car after my first day at my new job ...
Read more

Judgment

-
So this week, I'm thinking about judgment. Turns out, my husband's family is very, very upset with us for not having a wedding. Even worse, they don't know that we got married six months before he told them we got married. Further , apparently, because he spent more time with Jim and Paula and the rest of my family last Christmas than he did with his own family, I'm a horrible person. Turns out, the whole result of this is a judgment on me. I am apparently a bad influence, someone who is taking their son and grandson away from them (even though the military did that years  ago.) So, along with the harassment I've received from sharing my story of sexual assault online, it's been an exhausting few weeks for me. But here's the ultimate thing: why does anyone care what I do with my own damn life ? I am grateful every day that we didn't have a wedding. For some people, that's a beautiful and touching moment, shared with friends and family, and ...
Read more